Chapter Forty-Seven – Speaking of the Past

"Yishu, are you asleep?" Xu Shixi tiptoed to the door and knocked quietly. "I want to talk with you."

Yishu was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep.

How could such a vast space feel so oppressive, as if the ceiling might collapse under its own weight in the very next moment?

The moonlight outside the window was cold and clear, like a pool of icy water.

"I'm asleep..." Yishu listened to the knocking for a long while, hesitating.

Perhaps, it was time to talk.

She pushed aside the covers, searched for her slippers, and, guided by the dim moonlight, walked to the door.

Her hand rested on the handle, but she couldn't bring herself to press down. The cold metal gradually warmed under her palm.

Xu Shixi, receiving no response, turned away in disappointment and headed for the guest room.

The door opened with a soft creak.

The curtains in the living room were not drawn, and the light from outside poured in unobstructed, though it seemed weak and languid, falling lazily upon everything.

Yishu sat on the three-seater sofa; Xu Shixi took the single armchair. Both stared at their shoes, listening to each other's breathing magnified in the darkness, and the nervous sound of swallowing.

How long would they sit like this?

Until daybreak? Until forever?

Xu Shixi finally lifted his head. "Actually, Tang Dai..."

Yishu was startled by his sudden speech, and in her panic, knocked over the water glass on the coffee table. The spilled water formed a small puddle, found a gap, and followed the pattern of the table, flowing down onto the carpet. The carpet's design was unique, built of blocks resembling vintage bricks, which from afar looked like an old brick wall.

This place seemed ordinary, but after living here, one always discovered unexpected details.

"Are you alright?" Xu Shixi jumped up and took Yishu's hand. "Were you burned?" He stood, "I'll get the ointment for burns."

"I'm fine," Yishu pulled him back. "It was cold water, not hot."

Xu Shixi's heart, which had been stuck in his throat, settled back into his chest.

"You... didn't you have something to say to me?" Yishu said calmly, "Go ahead, I'm listening."

In the dimness, Xu Shixi's scattered gaze gradually focused, but the courage he'd painstakingly gathered had already dissolved after the brief commotion.

How should he tell it?

To recount one's own past is different from narrating a weighty historical tale.

Where to begin?

Should he start from a long, long time ago?

Usually eloquent in the workplace, he now fell silent.

"Actually, Tang Dai and I..." he finally spoke, "We did date for a while."

But it could hardly be called dating; their relationship was never officially confirmed, and then they drifted apart.

"Mm—" Yishu nodded.

"You knew?" Xu Shixi looked at her, bewildered.

If I couldn't see even this, I'd be foolish indeed. That look, that expression, those words—weren't they the most direct, the most unmistakable proof?

"I thought so," Xu Shixi continued, "You must have noticed long ago." He sighed. "We met in the university club. I was a sophomore, she a freshman. She was the only girl in the architecture society, but her ideas and insights surpassed many of the second-year boys."

Yishu listened with a blank expression.

Once a speech begins, it cannot stop. Xu Shixi went on, "She and I shared surprisingly similar views and gradually found common topics. Since she was a girl, I tended to look after her a bit more."

Suddenly, he faltered, confused, his impromptu speech catching him off guard, unsure what the next words would be. But... with no other choice, he pressed on, "We grew closer. Outsiders assumed we were a couple, but neither of us ever acknowledged it."

In their hearts, perhaps, it was tacitly accepted.

Tang Dai's affection for Xu Shixi only increased, her care and feelings for him obvious to all. Naturally, he sensed it too.

She had grown up surrounded by confidence and pride, and with her intelligence and beauty, she always stood out, shining like gold in a crowd.

She believed with certainty that he would eventually respond to her feelings, or that their hearts would inevitably merge.

But he failed to understand that, at the time, he was plagued by self-doubt. The balloon in his heart meant to store courage never seemed to fill. On rare days, it swelled a bit, but by the next, it returned to emptiness.

Then, someone appeared—someone who mercilessly, domineeringly, brutally punctured that balloon of courage, so it never could be filled again.

He could not forget the harsh words she spoke that day.

Years later, she revealed part of her reasons, but what was past should be left behind. Whatever the cause, it came down to fate. Those scattered, immature, foolish adolescent romances ended with youth itself.

"But you must believe me," Xu Shixi gripped her shoulders, forcing her to meet his gaze. "The one I like is you. The one I love is you. The one I want to marry someday—is you."

Yishu looked into his eyes, and in the darkness a beam of light seemed to shoot from his pupils. She was almost stunned. "And what about her?"

Yishu was persuaded, conquered. His words, his gaze, were like starlight, turning her gray life gold and bright. In truth, from the day she met him, she was drawn to the magnetism he carried. After all, she was but a small piece of iron.

Now he was ready to wipe away all his magnetism.

"You still don't believe me?" Xu Shixi asked, lost.

"No, not at all," Yishu explained quickly. "I believe you, but..."

"But what?" he pressed.

"She seems unable to let go of you," she said. "From everything I've seen since meeting her, she wants to rekindle the past."

Xu Shixi was alarmed. "What rekindling? I never made any promises to her!"

He thought to himself: their relationship was more than friends, less than lovers.

Yishu blamed herself for her choice of words and tried to clarify, "I mean, she..." but could not finish.

Xu Shixi pulled her into his arms. "You only need to trust me, that's all. As for the rest, believe I can handle it."

Yishu's left cheek pressed against his warm neck, nodding gently as she nestled into his skin.

She believed him; whatever he said, she believed.

But was it truly wise to trust so recklessly?

Yet, aside from trusting, what other choice was there?

He was a man past his thirties; he ought not to be indecisive about matters between men and women.

They continued to hold each other tightly. Her body leaned against his, most of her weight supported by him. She felt almost light as air.

Looking out through the floor-to-ceiling window, most of the neon lights in the distance had faded, street lamps still stood guard, and few vehicles remained on the road.

After a day of noise and bustle, the world too seemed tired and ready for rest.

But for some, tonight would be a sleepless night.

After work, Tang Dai had invited Xu Shixi to dinner, but he gently declined.

Her intuition told her he was keeping something from her.

And indeed, it was a date with Yishu. What she never imagined was that Yishu had moved into Shixi's home. They shopped together, bought groceries, cooked together...

She was nearly driven mad.

She had thought he would wait for her, but fate had written a script beyond her wildest dreams.

She also hated her former self for her weakness—why couldn't she have been braver, why did she compromise, why couldn't she have thrown caution to the wind?

Back then, she never expected that the feelings would be so hard to relinquish. She thought love was merely a spice for a certain stage of life, something dispensable once the taste faded. What love could last forever? Yet, a week after leaving him, she found her life drained of color and flavor, everything dull and tasteless. But it was too late. Shackled by fate, she could neither escape nor break free. All she could do was pray silently that he would forget those harsh words, and wait, foolishly, for the day her sentence ended.

She waited for this day—only to find that he now belonged to someone else.